sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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