I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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