that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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