You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
did i just pee glitter
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize