its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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if we break up, who will get the dealer?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
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Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.