FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.