It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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