I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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