tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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