why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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