I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
