Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
