Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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