I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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