my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
