I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
