Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
