I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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