no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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