I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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