I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
