i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
