I can't watch pbs sober anymore
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
