Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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