I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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