I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
