I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
