im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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