yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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