I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
