YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
