i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
