it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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