I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
