Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
