you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
