im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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