the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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