sarcasm needs its own font
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
