Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
