who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
