Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
