ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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