i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
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She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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