I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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