I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
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when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
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I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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