while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
