atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
