haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
