So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
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I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
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Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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