He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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