My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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