I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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