i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
