I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
