Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
