Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
