what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
