Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did I show you my penis last night?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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